Grief expert David Kessler explains that denial after loss isn't avoidance but a survival mechanism that lets people control how much grief they feel at once. Pushing someone to talk about their loss before they're ready can cause harm. Kessler shares how he returned to work after his son died, appearing fine while struggling internally.
If someone you know has had a loved one die and you think, well, they're in denial, there's something you need to understand. If they let all of their feelings in at once, they'd be on the floor and never get up. The mind is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. The mind is protective in grief. There's a grace in denial. So often we think people are avoiding their feelings or they're distracting themselves. The denial is both positive and necessary. We need to dose ourselves with our grief. People put their hand on your arm and say, "You need to talk about it." We try to push people in conversations they're not ready to have. I remember when I first went back to work after my son died. I told myself, "I'm going to make it through the day. I can do this. I'm not going to cry at work. I can do this." And then someone said to me, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm fine, thank you." And they said, "No, really, David, how are you?" And I'm like, "Really? I'm about to teach a Zoom in 3 minutes. You really need me to go there into my grief when I'm about to teach?" We need to give people in grief grace to grieve in their own timing. Let me know your thoughts and follow for more information.
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